Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.

You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.

I tell you one thing that's great about children. They don't need a show to have fun. What do they need? A book of matches, some oily rags, a little brother... that's all they need.

You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.

I wanna get a little drunk, but I also want some pancakes.

You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.

You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?