I have soundtracks for a lot of stuff.

I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.

Things have been invented because of alcohol. Like the taser, okay? Yeah! The morning after pill, okay? The reach-around. Judge Judy. What has pot given the world? Hackey sack? YEAH! Hilarious ring tones? OH GAH! Ultimate Frisbee Championships? It sucks to be a champion at a sport that can't get you laid. It's an unneeded skill like, I dunno, being the best banjo player. Or a squirter.

Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.

Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.

I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine; a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story.

Here's a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you.