If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.

Jesse Joyce is a great writer.

The more Discovery Channel you watch, the less chance you have of ever meeting a woman. Because it fills your head with odd facts that can come out at any moment. "Hello. Did you know Hitler was ticklish? That sea otters have four nipples? Wait - don't run away!"

Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!

For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don't know what happened to them. That's the crowd that I like, the ones that don't get so offended just to be offended.

I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.

I keep getting these people at my shows who only know me from television. I can always tell when they're, like, emotionally flinching when I start doing my jokes.