If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.

I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.

There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal.

I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous.

Why do they collect garbarge at 5am? Why? It's garbage. It's not going to go bad again.

Next time your lady leaves the room, take a dump on the floor! 'Cuz there is nothing more mysterious than a dump on the floor! And it always starts a conversation, am I right? Honey, what happened? You better hold me 'cause I'm afraid.

I'm not like a performer type.