I don't watch reality TV.

You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.

If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, "Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus." Time to buy a Porsche.

I used to do drugs, but that was way back there.

I'm a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it's what I've been doing and it's what I'm going to keep doing.

When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.

I'm very romantic when I masturbate. Sometimes I light a candle...then I try and shoot it out. It's like a carnival.