I don't watch reality TV.

There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal.

Men are having sex with animals and we wonder why the animals attack us. And I'll tell you why: it's cuz of that one sick man, and it's up to me and a half-mexican to stop him.

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on it. Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with all the presidents staring at you? And when the water hits them it looks like they're crying.

A lot of these kids I think are more content just to be on Facebook and the computer than they are to actually go out. They just really want to get a picture to post to their buddies, and that's about it.

Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before."