I don't watch reality TV.

I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that's not what I said!

My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's amazing.

I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.

You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.

For me, Molly Hatchet is high school. It makes me feel like I have hair and a future.

I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.