What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

I have soundtracks for a lot of stuff.

It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on it. Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with all the presidents staring at you? And when the water hits them it looks like they're crying.

Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!

I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so... I'm not kiddin!

I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.

When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.