Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories; kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100; diapering your monkey, 35 calories; laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories; catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.

Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.

For me, Molly Hatchet is high school. It makes me feel like I have hair and a future.

Why do they collect garbarge at 5am? Why? It's garbage. It's not going to go bad again.

I'm not the comic of the generation, I'm not even the funniest guy in my family.

If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.

If I had a kid, I'd give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I'd call him, Pizza-Pussy-Santa. I would! Cause everybody likes one of those things.