I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes. I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.

You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.

The more Discovery Channel you watch, the less chance you have of ever meeting a woman. Because it fills your head with odd facts that can come out at any moment. "Hello. Did you know Hitler was ticklish? That sea otters have four nipples? Wait - don't run away!"

So I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.

I'm not the comic of the generation, I'm not even the funniest guy in my family.

Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.

Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.