I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes. I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.

Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?

Men are having sex with animals and we wonder why the animals attack us. And I'll tell you why: it's cuz of that one sick man, and it's up to me and a half-mexican to stop him.

You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.

I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.

Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.