I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.

Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!

I'm a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it's what I've been doing and it's what I'm going to keep doing.

I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. I'm not an actor though, so I don't really have much choice in the matter.

I used to do drugs, but that was way back there.

I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.

I'm sorry, was that homophobic? No--I think it was, 'cause I hear that a lot. Dave, What?, You're talking about being gay. You probably secretly are gay. And I'm like listen voice in my head, I'm not! HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? I know I wouldn't like it, other scarier voice in my head! 'Cause one time while making a sandwich, a cucumber went up my ass. Three times.