I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.

If I was to have sex with one animal it would be a horse. That is a beautiful animal. And when you have sex with a horse, you know you always have a ride home.

I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes. I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.

So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.

I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. I'm not an actor though, so I don't really have much choice in the matter.

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

I have no grand scheme.