I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.

Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before."

Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.

I keep getting these people at my shows who only know me from television. I can always tell when they're, like, emotionally flinching when I start doing my jokes.

I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.

I'm not the comic of the generation, I'm not even the funniest guy in my family.

Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.