I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

The voice in my head has a stutter, and that's really annoying. D-D-D-Dave Dave. What? K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa... Write it down!

You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

Things have been invented because of alcohol. Like the taser, okay? Yeah! The morning after pill, okay? The reach-around. Judge Judy. What has pot given the world? Hackey sack? YEAH! Hilarious ring tones? OH GAH! Ultimate Frisbee Championships? It sucks to be a champion at a sport that can't get you laid. It's an unneeded skill like, I dunno, being the best banjo player. Or a squirter.

I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.

I love Fear Factor, but I think they're running out of fears. It's only a matter of time before they're sitting around doing shots of Hepatitis C.