Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before."

Sometimes. I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous. I'm pretty low on the showbiz totem pole - I mean, I'm no Jon or Kate plus eight. I'm just a comic, not a baby factory.

I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.

It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on it. Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with all the presidents staring at you? And when the water hits them it looks like they're crying.

I don't mind a crowd's not laughing; it's the groans that slow down the show.

Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright?

When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.