I'm not like a performer type.

I'm very romantic when I masturbate. Sometimes I light a candle...then I try and shoot it out. It's like a carnival.

You know what wakes me up? A tongue in the ass. There is no alarm clock on that one, you are up, you are shaking, you are in a karate stance.....the day has begun.

A joke is a joke, and people put too much meaning behind it. They react to it in the wrong way. I mean, you can boo or laugh, and that's pretty much what you're supposed to do with jokes. You're not supposed to take it any further than that.

I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.

Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.

I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.