I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. I'm not an actor though, so I don't really have much choice in the matter.

I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that's not what I said!

Men are having sex with animals and we wonder why the animals attack us. And I'll tell you why: it's cuz of that one sick man, and it's up to me and a half-mexican to stop him.

Here's a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you.

You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.

My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's amazing.

So I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.