I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. I'm not an actor though, so I don't really have much choice in the matter.

I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.

I don't watch reality TV.

Being on the road is kind of lonely.

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.

I keep getting these people at my shows who only know me from television. I can always tell when they're, like, emotionally flinching when I start doing my jokes.