There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal.

A lot of these kids I think are more content just to be on Facebook and the computer than they are to actually go out. They just really want to get a picture to post to their buddies, and that's about it.

I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.

I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes.

When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.

You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.

Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.