There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal.

So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.

I have soundtracks for a lot of stuff.

I'm a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it's what I've been doing and it's what I'm going to keep doing.

So I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.

Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!

My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail?