I think if you use Twitter and social media as your main source of information you are an idiot, but I think most people who use it know better, so I kind of enjoy it.

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.

I was very pleased to get a Supreme Court justice suggesting a column, so I went and did a column about Beano. I went with my wife and another guy to a Mexican restaurant, which we thought would be the ultimate test for an antiflatulance product. There's a reason most of Mexico is located out of doors. And it worked. Several newspapers refused to run that column. But they did run advertisements for Beano.

One day soon the Gillette company will announce the development of a razor that, thanks to a computer microchip, can actually travel ahead in time and shave beard hairs that don't even exist yet

How can you be afraid of women?” “Those ain’t normal women.

Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.

A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.