Miami, you can never run out of material. As long as you have Miami around you, you will never, never stop being amused.

Never trust anything you read in a travel article. Travel articles appear in publications that sell large, expensive advertisements to tourism-related industries, and these industries do not wish to see articles with headlines like: URUGUAY: DON'T BOTHER.

SAT tests are designed by huge panels of experts in education and psychology who work for years to design tests in which not one single question measures any bit of knowledge that anyone might actually need in the real world. We should applaud kids for getting lower scores.

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

Some [soccer] players suffer four or five fatal injuries per game. That's how tough they are.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

There's only one way kids will wear helmets, and that's if their parents are nagging them to. They will never wear helmets because some state passes a law requiring it.