Experts agree that the best type of computer for your individual needs is one that comes on the market about two days after you actually purchase some other computer.

The Russians will never be able to get their missiles thought the dense protective layer of delayed flights circling over the United States in complex, puke-inducing holding patterns.

Of course, the truth is that the congresspersons are too busy raising campaign money to read the laws they pass. The laws are written by staff tax nerds who can put pretty much any wording they want in there. I bet that if you actually read the entire vastness of the US tax code, you'd find at least one sex scene. ("Yes, yes, YES!" moaned Vanessa as Lance, his taut body moist with moisture, again and again depreciated her adjusted gross rate of annualized fiscal debenture...)

There shall be a National Anthem containing incomprehensible words and a high note that normal humans cannot hit without risk of hernia.

It takes a minimum of six people, working in close harmony, to successfully flush a nautical toilet. That's why those old ships carried such large crews.

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

If Mozart had power tools, there's no telling how great his music might have been.