A hundred years ago, it could take you the better part of a year to get from New York to California; whereas today, because of equipment problems at O'Hare, you can't get there at all.

I haven't been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years. Or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either.

Airline food is not intended for human consumption. It's intended as a form of in-flight entertainment, wherein the object is to guess what it is, starting with broad categories such as "mineral" and "linoleum."

I want to gag sometimes when I see who "we" are recommending that people vote for, and not just as a libertarian.

AARP is a large and powerful organization, similar to the Mafia but more concerned about dietary fiber.

All these people helped make this book possible. But let me make one thing clear: If there are any errors or omissions in this book, these people are not responsible. In the end, there is only one person responsible for what I write, and that person, of course, is: Donald Trump.

For 41 years I have gone with a very natural hair "look" that was originally popularized by coconuts.