If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

My current computer, in addition to 'DOS,' has 'Windows,' which is another invention of Bill Gates, designed as a security measure to thwart those users who are somehow able to get past DOS.

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

If, when you talk to people, they keep backing away from you, it's because you're TOO CLOSE, alright? SO DON'T KEEP ADVANCING ON THEM LIKE A HUMAN GLACIER.

Men have no cause to criticize women about the way they are about weddings. Because men are like that about sports, but it never ends. At least women, after the wedding, say it wasn't that big a deal and they're never going to look at the DVD again. Men never stop being crazy about sports.

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.