The science fair has long been a favorite educational tool in the American school system, and for a good reason: Your teachers hate you.

Software: These programs give instruction to the CPU, which processes billions of tiny facts called bytes, and within a fraction of a second it sends you an error message that requires you to call the customer-support hot line and be placed on hold for approximately the life-span of a caribou.

The taxpayers cannot be relied upon to support performing arts such as opera. As a taxpayer, I am forced to admit that I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera.

Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.

Don't emphasise money if you don't have much; be happy

My point here, young couples, is that baby-having is extremely serious business, and you probably don't have the vaguest idea what you're doing, as is evidenced by the fact that you're reading a very sloppy and poorly researched book.

I have a friend named Doris who argues, on good authority, that the single biggest cause of global warming is menopause.