I believe many Harley guys spend more time revving their engines than actually driving anywhere; I sometimes wonder why they bother to have wheels on their motorcycles.

When my generation was your age, we took crazy risks. The wildest thing was - prepare to be shocked - we deliberately ingested carbohydrates!

If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.

A long memory is the most subversive idea in America. A tautology is a thing which is tautological. A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets people's attention. If your kids look like you, it's hereditory. If they look like the neighbor, it's the environment. Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

Aside from Velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe.

Dogs do not grasp the concept of house cleaning.