'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.

I'm always writing new books so I don't dwell on the ones I've already done. I think that's a habit from being a newspaper guy because you're always writing columns and you can't reflect on the ones you've already done.

The taxpayers cannot be relied upon to support performing arts such as opera. As a taxpayer, I am forced to admit that I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera.

I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.

Flying from the United States to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.

If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set of tires.