'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.

Because of some defect in my motor skill, I can never COMPLETELY wrap [gifts]....If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by scotch tape.

Remember: What dad really wants is a nap. Really.

Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask whether your country has been inhaling paint-thinner fumes.

Most married couples, even though they love each other very much in theory, tend to view each other in practice as large teeming flaw colonies, the result of being that they get on each other's nerves and regularly erupt into vicious emotional shouting matches over such issues as toaster settings.

There's only one way kids will wear helmets, and that's if their parents are nagging them to. They will never wear helmets because some state passes a law requiring it.

Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic table.