You've read newspaper stories about elderly widows who die and leave their entire estates to their pet cats, right? Well, your cat reads those stories too, and has spent most of its skulking, devious little life dreaming about inheriting all your money.

All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow.

That is the Wasp, yes. But it was captured by Black Stache, and he’s coming for this ship now.” “And how do you know that?” asked Slank. “Did a seagull tell you?” This brought chuckles from the crew. Something like that, thought Peter.

I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show, which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'.

I had arrived at the airport one hour early so that, in accordance with airline procedures, I could stand around.

People don't think of writers as sex objects. The women who write to me and suggest that we ought to have sex usually turn out to be, like, eighty. And their letters always end with, "Just joking."

Airline food is not intended for human consumption. It's intended as a form of in-flight entertainment, wherein the object is to guess what it is, starting with broad categories such as "mineral" and "linoleum."