Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

On behalf of the newspaper industry I wish to announce some changes we're making to serve you better. When I say 'serve you better,'' I mean 'increase our profits.' We newspapers are very big on profits these days. We're a business, just like any other business, except that we employ English majors.

Miami, you can never run out of material. As long as you have Miami around you, you will never, never stop being amused.

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

I am a superior form of human and I have absolutely no quirks or irrational impulses of any kind.

I feel like I have more experience with publishing humor than pretty much any editor I'm going to be dealing with so sometimes I'll get a little bit nuts if I write something I know is good a certain way, and some editor because of some restriction he has and wants to change it that I know is going to make it less funny that'll piss me off and then I'm inclined to go, "Well, hey I've been doing this a long time, maybe you should..." That doesn't happen that often, but I'm more likely to say that now than I would have been a long time ago. Because dammit, I'm infallible!

Someone was tapping on the window.