Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

There is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness.

The bad news was that the yard contained a dog. A very, very large dog, wide and hairy, like a cross between a rottweiler and a Goodyear blimp.

Humor is an escape, because you cannot think about your problems when you are trying to be funny; so, in essence, "being a humorist" gives you a valid excuse to hide from your pain.

Never board a commercial aircraft if the pilot is wearing a tank top.

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.