Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask whether your country has been inhaling paint-thinner fumes.

This nation is so friendly that the leading cause of injury is getting passionately embraced by strangers.

I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to.

The Japanese tend to communicate via nuance and euphemism, often leaving important things unsaid; whereas Americans tend to think they're being subtle when they refrain from grabbing the listener by the shirt.

Talking about golf is always boring. Playing golf can be interesting, but not the part where you try to hit the little ball; only the part where you drive the cart.

Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.

We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it.