I want to tell my jokes. I want to have time with my children. I want to entertain people. And at one point, I'll walk away from show business. But I don't want to walk away empty-handed.

I wish I had more hands, so I could give those titties four thumbs down!

I'm Dave Chappelle and I'm a chronic masturbator.

I have a very good life, a high quality of life. I have both money and time. No one has that.

Remember what the Bible says: He who is without sin, cast the first rock. And I shall smoketh it.

Because I was surrounded by so much negativity at some point that it took me going back and doing stand-up to realize, you know, people really like me.

My father told me 'Name your price in the beginning. If it ever gets more expensive than the price you name, get out of there.'