I think pornography is the only art form where you can be videotaped on a shaky handy cam sucking off a horse and be considered a star.

High Times magazine is a notch intellectually below Highlights for Children. I mean, they're both great to read when you're baked, but come on, ya know.

I do believe that on a whole, women are definitely smarter than men... I also believe that dogs are smarter than women. No? That one, you don't believe it? You believe that I didn't do a series of tests? You are right to not believe it, because I'm going to go ahead and admit that I do not believe what I just said, it was what's described as a 'joke.' Um, I'll be telling a bunch of them here tonight.

I think pornography is the only art form where you can be videotaped on a shaky handy cam sucking off a horse and be considered a star.

I would say just stop watching me, I guess, at this point. That is what I do, and it probably is, in some way, a bit of a lecture. I can see how that's not something that would be enticing for you to watch in a stand-up hour.

I'm pretty happy. I obviously have complaints about things, but for the most part, I'm on the above-average side of happy people.

I'm not a centrist, and there's nothing about me that's centrist. I never have been.