I still think that, hopefully, you're not ahead of the jokes, and I think that has value. There is a punchline and it's pointed - and, again, whether you think it's funny or not, that's subjective.

The Bible is the funniest book I have ever read. It's so funny! Right in the first six pages, it's funny!

I work a lot and I like to get out and work but the work I do to make the other work work I'm not very good at.

I think pornography is the only art form where you can be videotaped on a shaky handy cam sucking off a horse and be considered a star.

I hate bumper stickers, you can't sum anything up. All you do is paint yourself in some caricaturist corner.

Hopefully people are upset for the reason I want them to be upset. Even when I was doing open mics, I've always had people upset. I've never been the consummate crowd-pleaser.

All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard. I'll tell you what hard is. Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion. Yeah, that's hard, that takes finesse. You're just inconvenienced.