All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard. I'll tell you what hard is. Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion. Yeah, that's hard, that takes finesse. You're just inconvenienced.

I think pornography is the only art form where you can be videotaped on a shaky handy cam sucking off a horse and be considered a star.

I have no hesitation doing children's movies. Zero. And I don't even have kids.

Hopefully people will be reinventing comedy forever and ever. This is just what I do, and it's a type of comedy.

James Lipton: The most pompous arrogant failure in history.

The underpinning of immigration concerns is xenophobia and racism and nationalism.

I have a few business ideas (that I'm going to advertise in High Times, amongst other places), and one of them is a service in which I offer to eat and describe pork to kosher people.