All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard. I'll tell you what hard is. Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion. Yeah, that's hard, that takes finesse. You're just inconvenienced.

The best thing about me is there are no skeletons.

It's not that I don't have kids for some personal reason outside of, I just haven't had kids. And I haven't met someone who wanted to, as far as I know. And perhaps I'm attracted to women who aren't ready to make that commitment just yet.

I really don't have a problem with gay marriage... because I'm tolerant and rational.

I'm directing the Sky show. I'm not going to be in it. I'm just writing and directing it. So that'll satisfy that part of my brain.

I'm a professional comic. Whether you think I'm funny or not, that's, again, subjective.

Because you've been on dates where y'know, you forget to open your eyes and wear pants and speak English.