I have always tried to use humor to "help ever" and "hurt never," for I find that to laugh is like swallowing a secret that Santa Claus farted.

What President of the Airline is doing is, he's urging everyone to give up their frequent flyer miles for sick kids... But as I was reading this, there were two empty seats next to me. Why can't sick kids sit there? If they're so concerned with sick kids, shouldn't they have like a pen of sick kids next to the gate?

I was in Antwerp - which, I had about 20 shows left at that point - and a guy said, "That's Dave Attell's." Also, Antwerp was my smallest audience, so the guy was right there. I was like, "What?" He said, "Dave Attell does a bit about, 'Why are there luggage stores in the airport?'" I had never seen that, and I would never ever, ever, ever - please believe me - I would never lift material from somebody ever, and certainly not knowingly.

There's the disingenuous duplicitousness, but you can apply that to every politician, really.

If you want to reinstate the 14.4 billion dollars that Bush cut out of the veterans program then vote democrat.

I think pornography is the only art form where you can be videotaped on a shaky handy cam sucking off a horse and be considered a star.

I was heavily influenced by Andy Kaufman and Steven Wright.