Win and you are the superior being in all the universe; lose, and may the fleas of a million rodents, infect your every orifice.

I lost 150 lbs. if you include my wife.

If god wanted people to believe in him, why'd he invent logic then?

Hurling looks a bit like a cross between lacrosse and second degree murder.

I don't suffer from a mental illness, I live with it.

That's the trouble with Nick. The only time he opens his mouth is to change feet.

I didn't quit drinking because I was a bad drunk. I quit because I was a spectacular drunk. It got to be like a video game, where you get to the highest level and it's not even a challenge any more.