The hardest thing I ever did was get sober. I was drinking two and a half bottles of whiskey a day and taking 40 Vicodin. If I had known I was going to live this long, I would have taken better care of myself.

Hurling looks a bit like a cross between lacrosse and second degree murder.

Win and you are the superior being in all the universe; lose, and may the fleas of a million rodents, infect your every orifice.

I adore dogs to the extent I think they are much more important than human beings. I like your dog much more than I like you.

Colin Montgomerie is a few French fries short of a Happy Meal.

The world's No. 1 tennis player spends 90 percent of his time winning, while the world's No. 1 golfer spends 90 percent of his time losing. Golfers are great losers.

I didn't quit drinking because I was a bad drunk. I quit because I was a spectacular drunk. It got to be like a video game, where you get to the highest level and it's not even a challenge any more.