The hardest thing I ever did was get sober. I was drinking two and a half bottles of whiskey a day and taking 40 Vicodin. If I had known I was going to live this long, I would have taken better care of myself.

That's the trouble with Nick. The only time he opens his mouth is to change feet.

Watching Phil Mickelson play golf is like watching a drunk chasing a balloon near the edge of a cliff.

I was swinging like a toilet door on a prawn trawler.

I hunt feral hogs. I try not to shoot creatures. That doesn't do anything for me. But big, nasty, smelly, bristly things with tusks that destroy everything that they touch. Yeah, I'll shoot them.

Colin Montgomerie is a few French fries short of a Happy Meal.

The world's No. 1 tennis player spends 90 percent of his time winning, while the world's No. 1 golfer spends 90 percent of his time losing. Golfers are great losers.