The world's No. 1 tennis player spends 90 percent of his time winning, while the world's No. 1 golfer spends 90 percent of his time losing. Golfers are great losers.

Colin Montgomerie is a few French fries short of a Happy Meal.

The course is so long, I had to take the curvature of the Earth into consideration.

Everybody knows pretty much everything about me. I emptied all the skeletons out of my closet a long time ago.

I lost 150 lbs. if you include my wife.

Being bipolar and an addict and an alcoholic I have to keep myself very busy. I don't sleep. I am lucky if I get three hours of sleep a night, and so I get up, and my head is full of slamming doors.

If god wanted people to believe in him, why'd he invent logic then?