The world's No. 1 tennis player spends 90 percent of his time winning, while the world's No. 1 golfer spends 90 percent of his time losing. Golfers are great losers.

The hardest thing I ever did was get sober. I was drinking two and a half bottles of whiskey a day and taking 40 Vicodin. If I had known I was going to live this long, I would have taken better care of myself.

It's hard to tell who's going to win this week, but it probably won't be a big, fat guy.

I didn't quit drinking because I was a bad drunk. I quit because I was a spectacular drunk. It got to be like a video game, where you get to the highest level and it's not even a challenge any more.

Watching Phil Mickelson play golf is like watching a drunk chasing a balloon near the edge of a cliff.

If god wanted people to believe in him, why'd he invent logic then?

Hurling looks a bit like a cross between lacrosse and second degree murder.