Never has my flabber been so completely gasted.

I was swinging like a toilet door on a prawn trawler.

That's the trouble with Nick. The only time he opens his mouth is to change feet.

I have a healthy disrespect for religion. I really do. When Columbus came to this country in 1492 he brought syphilis, diphtheria, tuberculosis, influenza and Christianity. The diseases were curable.

I didn't quit drinking because I was a bad drunk. I quit because I was a spectacular drunk. It got to be like a video game, where you get to the highest level and it's not even a challenge any more.

I lost 150 lbs. if you include my wife.

Win and you are the superior being in all the universe; lose, and may the fleas of a million rodents, infect your every orifice.