Never has my flabber been so completely gasted.

I lost 150 lbs. if you include my wife.

I didn't quit drinking because I was a bad drunk. I quit because I was a spectacular drunk. It got to be like a video game, where you get to the highest level and it's not even a challenge any more.

Playing Augusta is like playing a Salvador Dali landscape. I expected a clock to fall out of the trees and hit me in the face.

Never has my flabber been so completely gasted.

Win and you are the superior being in all the universe; lose, and may the fleas of a million rodents, infect your every orifice.

I have a healthy disrespect for religion. I really do. When Columbus came to this country in 1492 he brought syphilis, diphtheria, tuberculosis, influenza and Christianity. The diseases were curable.