I have a healthy disrespect for religion. I really do. When Columbus came to this country in 1492 he brought syphilis, diphtheria, tuberculosis, influenza and Christianity. The diseases were curable.

I adore dogs to the extent I think they are much more important than human beings. I like your dog much more than I like you.

Playing Augusta is like playing a Salvador Dali landscape. I expected a clock to fall out of the trees and hit me in the face.

Never has my flabber been so completely gasted.

It's hard to tell who's going to win this week, but it probably won't be a big, fat guy.

I have got to do something that makes me focus on one thing, and so I will sit and listen to music, or I will read, or I will go and make ammunition in my workshop. I have just got to keep myself busy.

Colin Montgomerie is a few French fries short of a Happy Meal.