I didn't quit drinking because I was a bad drunk. I quit because I was a spectacular drunk. It got to be like a video game, where you get to the highest level and it's not even a challenge any more.

I don't want anybody to understand what my depression feels like because in order to understand it you have to have been there, and I don't want anybody else to go.

Win and you are the superior being in all the universe; lose, and may the fleas of a million rodents, infect your every orifice.

Everybody knows pretty much everything about me. I emptied all the skeletons out of my closet a long time ago.

Hurling looks a bit like a cross between lacrosse and second degree murder.

If god wanted people to believe in him, why'd he invent logic then?

I lost 150 lbs. if you include my wife.