I didn't quit drinking because I was a bad drunk. I quit because I was a spectacular drunk. It got to be like a video game, where you get to the highest level and it's not even a challenge any more.

I hunt feral hogs. I try not to shoot creatures. That doesn't do anything for me. But big, nasty, smelly, bristly things with tusks that destroy everything that they touch. Yeah, I'll shoot them.

Watching Phil Mickelson play golf is like watching a drunk chasing a balloon near the edge of a cliff.

I lost 150 lbs. if you include my wife.

It's hard to tell who's going to win this week, but it probably won't be a big, fat guy.

I don't want anybody to understand what my depression feels like because in order to understand it you have to have been there, and I don't want anybody else to go.

Everybody knows pretty much everything about me. I emptied all the skeletons out of my closet a long time ago.