Paul Ryan announced that after a lot of thought, and talking it over with family and friends, that he is not going to run for president in 2016. I'm telling you, this announcement sent shock waves through no one.

George W. said he doesn't watch television. And, of course, well - the reason for that is the Clintons stole the White House satellite system.

Privately I think that I'm not really somebody who has a network television show. Celebrities are other people - Johnny Carson and Sylvester Stallone. I'm just a kid trying to make a living is the way I feel.

Yesterday, the Senate voted to approve President Clinton's decision to send troops to Bosnia. And they voted to change the name of that mission to "Operation Forget About Whitewater".

Today is the anniversary of the Gettysburg Address. President Lincoln wrote it on his way to the site of the speech on the back of an envelope. One guy on the back of an envelope wrote the great Gettysburg Address - while every night it takes six guys to write this crap!

The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade has new balloons this year including the Pillsbury Doughboy balloon and the first openly gay balloon. Also the Thomas Tank Engine balloon, and they even have the Ebola nurse balloon.

They found a scrapbook with photos of Osama bin Laden from the '90s, and they're studying each and every photo very, very closely. My favorite shot of Osama bin Laden was right between the eyes.