We are starting to learn more about Osama bin Laden. For his birthday one year, somebody gave him a $4 Timex. We know that. He is married to the daughter of a guy named Mullah Muhammed Omar. I think her name is Tiffany Omar. Insiders say that the marriage is not working out. Apparently they are living in separate caves.

It's disappointing when you finally get to meet someone you admire and he conducts himself as a jerk.

Herman Cain said, starting today, if you buy into his 9-9-9 plan, he'll throw in a free 32-ounce soda.

The 2016 presidential campaign is heating up. Can you feel the indifference, the apathy?

Do you know what I'm going to do when I retire? I hope to become the new face of Scientology.

President Obama went to India, South Korea, then Japan. He's going to keep travelling until he finds his birth certificate.

You folks like TV, you watch a lot of TV? There's a show right here on CBS, it's a huge hit. It's called the "Mentalist." And it's about this guy who has a heightened sense of observation. It's miraculous; he's the only guy in the world who can tell the difference between Sarah Palin and Tina Fey.