Instead of reading vows at the wedding ceremony, they read hacked Sony emails.

My political position is that I'm happy to be alive and in North America.

Congratulations to Bill and Hillary Clinton: this weekend, 33rd wedding anniversary. How about that? And you thought the Iraqi war was a never-ending conflict.

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

John Kerry went duck hunting and he's doing that to fulfill his campaign pledge to hunt down the ducks and kill them wherever they are! Kerry did pretty well; he came back with four ducks and three Purple Hearts.

Now there are reports that Osama bin Laden would like to commit suicide on television. This is the kind of lead-in I have been praying for every since I came to CBS. Bin Laden is planning a televised suicide or, as I call it, hosting the Academy Awards.

There's a rumor that President George Bush had a nose job, that he had some kind of plastic surgery, that he actually had a nose job. If this is true, that's the first new job he's created since taking office.