John Kerry spent the day reading to preschoolers ... and the kids said Kerry actually lacked warmth and failed to articulate a clear message.

I'll be honest with you. It's beginning to look like I'm not going to get 'The Tonight Show.'

President Bush is going to establish elections there in Iraq. He's going to rebuild the infrastructure. He's going to create jobs. He said if it works there, he'll try it here.

How about those Olympics, ladies and gentlemen. Didn't London look like the place to be? New York City was in the running for this Olympics. But here's what happened. We got outbribed.

I just heard George W. Bush's new plan for airline security. From here on out, every plane will now have its own hockey dad.

They're talking about putting a woman on the $20 bill. And Hillary said, 'I'm available.'

Over in Afghanistan, Osama stuck his head out of the cave and saw a shadow. So, that means six more weeks of bombing.