They're talking about putting a woman on the $20 bill. And Hillary said, 'I'm available.'

Mitt Romney is not going to be running for president. So you know what that means. We are getting closer and closer to 'President Trump.'

Unusual weather for New York City. Today it was 68 and foggy. No, wait a minute, that's me. I'm sorry, that's me.

Public service announcement: In case of a terrorist attack, bottled water and duct tape are not going to do a damn thing. So do what Homeland Security Dir. Tom Ridge does: Get really drunk, and pick up a hooker.

Donald Trump had a university. Well, the state attorney general decided that the Donald Trump University was an unlicensed sham. And I thought, you know you're at a bad university when your commencement speaker is Whitey Bulger.

There's already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife. There was a mix up and he was greeted by 72 vegans.

Iraq is so bad that President Obama phoned Hillary Clinton and asked her if she could start early.