I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

Instead of reading vows at the wedding ceremony, they read hacked Sony emails.

Texas Senator Ted Cruz announced he is running for president. Ted Cruz was born in Canada, his father fled to the United States from Cuba, and yet Ted Cruz is against immigration. Isn't that odd?

Today is tax day. A lot of people are hoping they get refunds. And that's just the folks here in the audience.

They say the oil spill has the potential to kill more wildlife than a Sarah Palin hunting trip.

Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?

Public service announcement: In case of a terrorist attack, bottled water and duct tape are not going to do a damn thing. So do what Homeland Security Dir. Tom Ridge does: Get really drunk, and pick up a hooker.