I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

Newt Gingrich had a horrible week in the Iowa caucuses. Only 13 percent of his ex-wives voted for him.

The Academy Awards are passed out on Sunday. It's voted by members of the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences. Or as I call them, 50 shades of white.

I think the one thing I would point to as a primary reason, basically, is that I was a gigantic ass, ... It's the first time I got dumped in my life.

The new CIA torture report is 6 million pages long. It's almost as long as a George Clooney pre-nup.

New Orleans: The least annoying French place on Earth.

I'll be honest with you. It's beginning to look like I'm not going to get 'The Tonight Show.'