Mitt Romney is not going to be running for president. So you know what that means. We are getting closer and closer to 'President Trump.'

They found a scrapbook with photos of Osama bin Laden from the '90s, and they're studying each and every photo very, very closely. My favorite shot of Osama bin Laden was right between the eyes.

Because Utah is largely Mormon country, the firing squad's a little different. You're blindfolded but no cigarette.

Mitt Romney, two-time Republican presidential candidate, is going to fight Evander Holyfield for charity. I hope they save some of that money for funeral expenses.

Barack Obama's busy moving into the White House. Earlier today, John McCain was blowing on his soup.

John Kerry had surgery on his right shoulder this week to repair some damage. It was pretty bad, he had no feeling. It was almost like he was a Republican.

Good luck finding a place to park in New York City. And when you do, good luck figuring out the parking signs, restrictions, and prohibitions. It is so complicated. It has gotten so bad, I never park my car without a lawyer.