Tomorrow is our final show. That is unless it rains, and then there will be a rain delay. We'll probably make it up in a doubleheader around Labor Day.

Prince William and Kate Middleton are in New York City. We have got to do something about immigration.

After my bypass surgery I knew I had to change my lifestyle, and then it occured to me - I don't have a lifestyle.

Here's some news from Afghanistan. We're sending more troops to seal up the borders. Can we try that here? Three months, 12,000 pounds of bombs and billions and billions of dollars and the highest ranking enemy we've captured so far is an American.

There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage.

Did you hear this? They say now Osama bin Laden and his buddy Mullah Omar have left Afghanistan dressed as women. They dressed up as women and went across the border into Pakistan. I think they're going to make a movie about it. They're going to call it 'Some like it Jihad.'

Arnold Schwarzenegger is now governor of California. He is a very shrewd man - he already has all of his sex scandals behind him.