Prince William and Kate Middleton are in New York City. We have got to do something about immigration.

Donald Trump had a university. Well, the state attorney general decided that the Donald Trump University was an unlicensed sham. And I thought, you know you're at a bad university when your commencement speaker is Whitey Bulger.

I'm very resourceful. I'd be good in prison. I'd be good in a shipwreck. I'd make a great hostage.

To save energy, New York City is now dimming the lights of the skyscrapers and the skyline at night. There's a bad side to this. If you need Batman, you have to text him.

Incredible experience, watching a baby birth on the internet. It's now my screensaver.

Scientists have discovered a black hole that is 12 billion times the size of our sun. It's full of Hillary Clinton emails.

Presidential hopeful Jeb Bush has released all of his emails. I'd like to release all of my emails. I've got nothing but emails about low-cost funerals and Viagra.