Here's some news from Afghanistan. We're sending more troops to seal up the borders. Can we try that here? Three months, 12,000 pounds of bombs and billions and billions of dollars and the highest ranking enemy we've captured so far is an American.

Last night we had Bill Clinton, the former president. Security was as tight as Governor Christie's yoga pants.

The Japanese Prime Minister has apologized for Japan's part in World War II. However, he still hasn't mentioned anything about karaoke.

They figured out a way to control that hamburger disease. You dip the hamburger into the scalding hot coffee before eating.

The Pope also said that while he's in town he would like to go see 'The Book of Mormon.'

Mitt Romney had a horse competing in the Olympics. He didn't win. But next year, he'll be competing in 'Dancing with the Stars.'

Hillary is in Iowa to listen to what the people are saying - because if you want her to speak, that will cost you $200,000. So she's there listening.