There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage.

That's the first thing they teach you in bowling, by the way. Don't press the ball against your nose. The other one is don't lick the pins.

I have talents aplenty. Unfortunately, precious few of them have any redeeming social value.

Guess who's running for president? Jeb Bush. Jeb was governor of Florida and he speaks fluent Spanish, which raises the question: What language did his brother speak? What was that?

I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet.

George W. said he doesn't watch television. And, of course, well - the reason for that is the Clintons stole the White House satellite system.

You can't eat tomatoes because they're tainted with deadly salmonella. First there was tainted lettuce. Now, tainted tomatoes. Who would have thought that the healthiest part of a B.L.T. would be the bacon?