The CIA special unit that was searching for Osama bin Laden has been disbanded. So I guess, mission accomplished.

Public service announcement: In case of a terrorist attack, bottled water and duct tape are not going to do a damn thing. So do what Homeland Security Dir. Tom Ridge does: Get really drunk, and pick up a hooker.

Number one: Don't frisk me. Don't hurt me physically. Don't get anywhere near my neck. And don't call me Regis.

Hillary went to a Chipotle in a tortilla pantsuit.

Rick Perry has now accused Mitt Romney of hiring illegal aliens to work on his hair.

All comedians are preoccupied with one thing and with one thing only-themmm-selllves. It's a horrible lot in life.

Sarah Palin, part-time Governor of Alaska, is angry because Michele Obama is encouraging kids to eat healthy. Sarah Palin believes the government shouldn't tell us what to do. Sarah Palin believes she should tell us what to do.