We thought New York City was home to 8 million rats. Turns out, that's a little high. The actual number is 2 million rats. That explains the light turnout for the midterm elections.

At the White House, they caught another fence jumper earlier today. It was Obama trying to get out.

Now there are reports that Osama bin Laden would like to commit suicide on television. This is the kind of lead-in I have been praying for every since I came to CBS. Bin Laden is planning a televised suicide or, as I call it, hosting the Academy Awards.

Political pundits are saying President George W. Bush has made gains in two key states: dazed and confused.

Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton.

Do good things for other people.

I think you can use some of those words on TV. But one thing you can't do is throw coffee, I've said it over and over again!