An old interview of Arnold Schwartzenegger has surfaced where he admits to smoking a lot of pot and having sex with hookers. Finally a Republican all Californians can get behind.

Obesity is now a problem in the navy. They've created a new rank: Really Big Rear Admiral.

I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves.

We're learning more about Osama bin Laden. His father was married 16 times, and he has five wives. I think we're getting to the root of his intense anger. And they say bin Laden never spends the night in the same place twice. No, wait a minute, that's Clinton.

I knew that if I woke up hung over, I couldn't do the best possible job on the show, so I had to quit. Also, I'd consumed a lot of beer for a lot of years, and I thought, That's enough. I've had my fun and I'm glad I quit.

Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?

How about this John Kerry controversy? So he's out there in California, tells some kind of joke and it backfires. He's saying he botched the joke. ... This guy can lose elections he's not even in.