The first presidential debate was down in Florida. Residents spent all day putting plywood on their televisions.

CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As usual, we're number three.

John Kerry went duck hunting and he's doing that to fulfill his campaign pledge to hunt down the ducks and kill them wherever they are! Kerry did pretty well; he came back with four ducks and three Purple Hearts.

I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves.

Did you hear about this genius that got on a plane and set fire to his feet? Turns out he had bombs in his shoes and the problem all started when the flight attendants asked him nicely to extinguish his feet. He was wearing exploding sneakers. The new Nike Air-Jihads!

Incredible experience, watching a baby birth on the internet. It's now my screensaver.

Kim Jong Un shaved his eyebrows and got his hair sticking right up. How would you like the leader of your country looking like Lady Gaga? Even Dennis Rodman told him he looks weird.