The first presidential debate was down in Florida. Residents spent all day putting plywood on their televisions.

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Have you seen the Olympic uniforms? It's for the American Olympic team and it's berets. To me, nothing says America like a guy in a beret. Look at our founding fathers, they all wore berets.

Welcome to the program. My name is Dave Letterman, and tonight I'm giving my two-week notice.

Recently a guy was having trouble with his computer. So he unplugs it, takes it out in the alley, pulls out a gun, and shoots it eight times. Coincidentally, that's how Hillary got rid of her emails.

I always liked Mitt Romney. He looks like the salesman who follows you around at Brooks Brothers.

The new 'Mad Max' movie takes place in a post-apocalyptic world. I have a small part in 'Mad Max.' I play the old geezer who remembers what steak tasted like.